Sunlit Falls

Feature: The Reverend Uncle Alan Show

2006-04-13T07:13:00.000-06:00

Good day to you!
It's me! Reverend Uncle Alan of the Reverend Uncle Alan Show! If you've never heard of me, it may be because my show hasn't aired just yet. Will it air in the future? Let's hope--I mean pray.

I suppose I should tell you about myself, my church, and my show before we get too deep into this thing. I am a ordained Reverend--have been for years now. Then, one day, I said to hell with it. I started my own church. It's called The Jesus Church of Miraculous Discovery. It's based on Christianity, but it's way more extreme to the max! It is all about the idea that Jesus did so many miracles, that we are still finding out about--or discovering them even today.

For example, it's a prooven fact that Jesus walked on water, but did you further know that He also swam in solid ice? I discovered that one while doing some backyard Winter clean-up. I noticed the once fluid-filled kiddie pool was now a frozen chunk of ice and it struck me that Jesus must've been better than all that, so I jotted 'er down in the ol' notebook. There's tons more of 'em, too!

On to my show. It's called The Reverend Uncle Alan Show. It's like your average religious show, only way better. It is scheduled to be on "sometime soon" they tell me. I wish I had more info, but I don't. Please just keep checking your TV.

Amen, be good, and see you soon!
-RUA

News: Another World Record Attempt

2006-04-07T07:37:00.000-06:00

Hello,
It's me, the Mayor. Show your love. I'm thrillder than a peacock on Christmas this morning. Why? Because we did it! Did what? We got in the record books--hopefully.

My boyfriend, Trent (pictured, on right) and his bro, Donald, made a play for the Guiness Book last night for making the World's Largest Silly Putty Transfer. Using a couple hundred eggs of Silly Putty and a huge blown-up Glamour Shot of your's truly, these guys put our quiet little town on the map once and for all!

As you can see, a pretty good crowd was on hand to witness history for themselves. The transer was a glorious sight to behold, if I do say so myself. Now it's just up to the Guiness folks to give us the high sign and Sunlit Falls' acheivement will be in black and white right up there next to the weirdo who spins all the basketballs and those fat twins on motorcycles.

Keep your fingers crossed.

-Jackie

Comment: Why Ain't I Got No Buds?

2006-03-31T12:47:00.000-07:00

Yo,
My name is Greg Bayless. I think pretty highly of myself. I am a hell of a lot more cool than most jerks out there. One question haunts me, though. Why ain't I got no buds? Seems like just about everybody's got buds. Some have tons, some just one. Me? I gots none.

Do folks just not like me? Do they not get where I'm at? Screw 'em if they can't see me for me. Here's what they should see in me: a awesome dude. Here's what it seems like they all see: some creep who is better than them.

I get lonely. I get the urge, too. You know the urge. The urge that burns deep within your soul. I'm lousy with the urge.

All I need is just one bud and things will be just fine. Call me.

-Greg

News: Love Blossoms

2006-03-16T08:46:00.000-07:00

Why hello there!
Jackie (your mayor) here with some rather cool news to report: I am in love! That's right, Trent and I are officially ga-ga goo-goo over one another and I couldn't be more pleased. "Could you be more pleased?" TV's Chandelier might ask. "No," I would respond.

Last night we went on the most loviest date a girl could ever imagine. He picked me up from my office in his work truck (see photo) at 6pm sharp. I love that about him. From there, we ate at Uncle Dave's BBQ Shack--stuffing ourselves with extremely saucey ribwiches and bone-dry root beers. He paid for the meal. I guess I felt like I owed him for it, because next thing you know I was performing deviant acts all over him in the back room of the concrete company where he works. I think he lives there, too, but that's none of my business. Yes, my loyal citizens, you got yourselves a love-tossed public official on your hands (especially your hands, Trent.)

I'm treating him to a DVD/ice cream night at my place tonight. I'll keep you posted.
-JFG

Announcement: I'm Feelin' Down

2006-03-13T08:34:00.000-07:00

Hey,
How's it goin'? Me? I'm feelin' a little down. Who am I? Oh, nobody. Why should you care? You're never gonna meet me in real life anyways. All you need to know about me is that I'm down in the dumps these days. Don't know why. Have you ever felt this way? I bet you haven't. You look like you got it all put together. Lucky.

Well, I'm gonna go back to bed--unless you feel like hangin' out. We could watch a video. I could pop some microwave popcorn. What do you say?
-Mel

Review: Eating Vegan in Sunlit Falls

2006-03-07T08:31:00.000-07:00

Hello!
I'm Tom Dayton and I love food. More specifically, vegan food. What the heck is that, you ask? Well, if you don't know, you probably don't want any. But let me tell you, it's tough to find good vegan food in this town. Here's a handy guide for those of you who are like "arhg! help me!"

RUSTY'S DELI
Rusty's is famous for their meatwiches and mustard bar, but did you know they also serve the best tofu salad known to man? It's not on the menu, but if you bring in your own thing of tofu, they will cube it, sprinkle it with fresh basil, and toss it into their garden salad at no extra charge. I'm the only one who has ever done it and I am not well liked.

THE OLD MULE FAMILY GRILL
I know what you're thinking. "This place is only for senior citizens and/or Christian Bible study groups!" You are right, but you are also wrong. If you just get over your fear of being called a queer and order the vegetable soup platter from the kid's menu, you will be treated to a pretty okay cruelty-free meal. And at $7.95, the price is cruelty-free on your pocket book!

CAP'N VEGGIE'S VEGAN'S PARADISE ALL-VEGAN CAFE AND HANG-OUT CLUBHOUSE
I don't care for this place. I find the staff to be a little hippy-dippy. Avoid.

SAUCE
Simply put, the best veggie burger in town. Just remember to order it sans patty and hold the cheese. Then, once you scrape of the dijionaisse, you got yourself a pretty good little sandwich. I'm not entirely convinced that the bread is vegan, but I've adopted a don't ask/don't tell policy on the matter.

So, there you go. With my helpful guide, there are no more excuses to eat well AND responsibly in good ol' S. Falls. Happy dining!
-Tom

Announcement: Little Billy's Homecoming Concert

2006-03-03T06:22:00.000-07:00

Hey morons!
It is me, Little Billy! Yeah, that's right, jerks! I may have been off the scene for awhile, but I ain't dead yet, m*therf*ck*rs! For your information, I have been traveling the world playin' rock concerts and makin' a name for myself outside of this lame-*ss town! Huh? What? There's a whole 'nother world outside of Sunlit F*ck*n Falls? Yeah, it's called EARTH, get a map! And I have been taking it by storm. I bet you didn't know that I have appeared on the Croatian Jay Leno twice!

But, I am not here to brag. I think the Bangladesh version of In Touch Weekly has done enough of that for me. I am here to plug my gig at Sgt. Peppermint's on the 15th of the month! Me and my band, the Rolling Rock Trio, will be hittin' the stage around 11:30. Before that, warm-up band, Say Cheese, will play a short set. I like Say Cheese. They play what I like to call "popular music." It's gonna be a f*ck*in' good show, so don't miss it!

Why am I gracing this sh*t town with my glorious self now, after all these years? Take a guess. If you said, "the price was right," YOU were right! That's all I'm gonna say about that! Other than the money, I am NOT happy to be coming back to this p*ssy-*ss sh*t-h*l* of a town. You people treated my like sh*t when I was workin' the local club circuit and I haven't forgotten the nasty things written about me, my band, and my music in the Sunlit Pages several years back. I believe they called me a "watered-down Stevie Ray Vaughn" and said I sounded like "feeding time at a nerd farm." I still don't know what that's s'posed to mean.

But that's okay. They say plenty of good things about me in the Guatemalan version of Blender. And how many of YOU idiots have been interviewed by the Indonesian Larry King? What's that? None of you? That's what I thought!

But, anyway. I'm sick of looking at you folks, so I will just go. But not before telling you that you better buy tickets for that show, or you will be even dumber than you already are.

-Little Billy

News: Key to City Award Ceremony

2006-02-28T09:58:00.000-07:00

Hey everybody!
Here's a picture from the ceremony.
(reminder)
What a crazy time we had! The honored one, Trent, turned out to be a real perv. He told me I had "nice ones" and then licked his lips! Yuck! It was all I could do to not knee him in the you-know-whats.

Later, at the gala reception, I saw a different side of Trent--a softer, fleshier side. Long story short, we are now officially an item. I don't want to get too graphic with the details, but my Trent is one hot potato. He reminds me that I am not just a powerful, lower-middle-aged woman, but simply a woman. He is all man and all mine.

Oh, I could go on all night. In fact, I have. Anyways, that was the key deal. I think I can safely speak for all of us here in Sunlit Falls when I say that we're all winners in this one. Especially me.

Ta ta for now!
-Jackie F. Gustafson, Mayor

Review: Puppet Show Enjoyable

2006-02-27T07:27:00.000-07:00

Hey hey!
By way of introduction, I am Yule Samson, Sunlit Falls' newest entertainment reporter! I only just got the job not but 1 week ago last Monday and they's already got me covering the big stuff! My first assignment? The Sunlit Falls Elementary production of The Apple Worms Have a Picnic. I love this job!

The play was performed in room 126 (Mrs. Neeling's 2nd grade) behind a fold-out table complete with adjustable office chairs as back drop. Minimalism! Let me just say, even before the 3:45 curtain time (although there was no actual curtain) my heart was pounding not only because of my desire not to blow it right out of the gate, but the palpable thrill of theatre wafting through the air--along with the smells of M&M cookies and warm apple cider juice. This was to be a magical afternoon of which I was not soon to forget!

Finally, after what seemed like forever, the show began. After a herald of preliminary tape hiss from the boombox and the opening bars of the overture ("Can't Fight The Moonlight" by LeAnn Rimes) the puppets playfully popped out from under the table.

"Hey, Mr. Wiggles," said one of the puppets, "You look sad."
"I am sad," replied Wiggles.
"Really?" queried the puppet, "What's eating you?"

It was at this point I was absolutely captivated by these longish little creatures--comprised of merely a brightly-colored common foot sock adorned with felt and googled eye--and was rewarded with this clever twist of phrase:

"It's not what's eating me ," announced Wiggles, "It's what I am eating: a rotten apple!"

Needless to say, the rest of the production was an utter joy. Equal parts comedy and drama, I found myself reaching for the rough, brown napkin on my lap--still a bed of cookie crumbs--to tend to my emotional facial secretions one minute, while carelessly eschewing self-composure in favor of uproarious laughter the next. A delight from start to finish.

That said, I must knock a few marks off of my score for a few technical and stylistic shortcomings. The puppets were only in view when that particular character had a line of dialogue to spout, retracting back under the table upon completion of said line (or very near completion, in some cases.) While at first accepting this up-and-down behavior as an artistic choice, it soon became clear that it was merely immature thespiodic form combined with chidhood nervousness. For that, I place fault on Mrs. Neeling, who failed to catch and correct the bad habit beforehand.

One last complaint I have about this otherwise thoroughly wonderous play was the poor audio quality. Maybe it was the acoustics of the room, or--again--jouvenile insecurity, but, in any case, the sound was difficult to negotiate, auditorially. The pre-recorded elements, such as music and sound effects, were mucho too loud and distorted, with the dialogue prooving itself nearly inaudible at times.

All-in-all, however, The Apple Worms Have a Picnic was an enjoyable experience not to have been missed. It's a shame that its one-and-only performance has come-and-gone. I am grateful to have the claim of saying, "I was there."

So, until next time, I'm Yule Samson saying, "Follow your heart and fuel your soul!"

Intro: Al Carlson

2006-02-24T11:01:00.000-07:00

Hello there,
My name is Al Carlson. I'm here on this internet station for one reason and one reason only: to find love. I've heard that people find happiness and "soul mates" up here all the time. It's my turn to give 'er a shot.

Here's my profile:
Name: Al Carlson
Age: 67
Occupation: retired plumber
Hobbies: going to church
Favorite movies: I liked that show about the guy who drinks himself to death.
Favorite music: Anything with a melody and tasteful use of chimes
Favorite TV shows: the news, 60 Minutes, Archie Bunker, Jay Leno
Last book read: Working with Concrete has been on my nightstand for months.

I'm interested in meeting a good woman who's into cooking in the kitchen, lounging in the livingroom, and getting down and dirty in the bedroom.

Keep in mind, I am on a fixed income, so I am unable to become anyone's "sugar daddy."

If you like what you see, just post a comment and we'll see if we can't get together.

Yours in Christ,
-Al Carlson

Opinion: What's Up with All These Websites?

2006-02-23T14:45:00.000-07:00

Hiya,
I'm Ken Jensen, and I got a question.
What's the deal with all these websites? I mean, there everywhere! It seems a guy can't spit out his chaw and not glob all over some website or another. Frankly, I am sick of it!
I am also a little curious.

I'm gonna do an experiment.
I am going to "google" the name of my dogs and see what happens.
First dog, "Barry"
Holy crap! 156,000,000 results!
Here's one: some singer
Here's an image search result: some guy that actually kinda looks a little like my dog.
Second dog, "Lollipop" (the wife named him)
Not bad. 4,630,000 results.
Here's a good one: hubba hubba
Here's an image search result: hubba hubba again

My, that was fun. So, anyway, these websites. I guess we're all stuck with 'em!

Later,
-Ken

News: Music Teacher Warns "No Automatic A's"

2006-02-22T09:34:00.000-07:00

Good Day,
My name is Millie Rolfgren. I am head of the Music Dept. at Sunlit Falls Middle School. What I (over)hear time and time again from my students is that my classes are "an automatic A" or "an easy A." I am here to tell you that that is simply not the case. Just as Physical Education and English are seemingly "no-brainer" studies that proove to be "a royal pain-in-the-brain" for most students, my Music Education classes are similarly misleading. Listen to me: I work my butt off to challenge, delight, and oft-times inspire my kids through music. I work hard, as you must work hard. There are no "freebies" here, folks.

So, you might wonder, how do I grade my students? Well, it's fairly simple: make the effort and ye shall be rewarded in kind. For instance, I had a student several years back who refused to participate in sing-alongs. Do you know what I refused to give him? That's right, an A. He recieved a rather half-hearted C+. On the opposite end of the spectrum, an eager student once volunteered for every single activity offered to her. She was not gifted musically, however, but she tried like the dickens to overcome her God-withheld talent. That student's grade? A somewhat generous B-. She just didn't have "it."

In closing, I would like to remind all of you that Music is required for 6th and 7th graders, but becomes an elective for 8th and 9th graders. I encourage all you upper classmen to not choose Music out of the desire for good grades without the sweat, but choose Music because you either A) love Music; B) have talent; or C) need the credit.

Till we meet again, keep a melody in your heart!
-Mrs. Rolfgren

Intro: Steve

2006-02-15T15:21:00.000-07:00

Hello,
I'm Steve. Pleased to meet you. I guess I should tell you a bit about myself.
I own and operate Noise Box Rehearsal Studios. I got 46 rooms of various square footage . My biggest room is 800 sq ft. That goes for a monthly rate of $2000. Right now, it's occupied by that group the Sweat Focks. That's a big room befitting the SFs, who are a big group. I'm sure you've heard of them.

The average room is 100 sq ft, which you can rent for $250 a month. It's a standard room. It's really only as good as you make it. I let the bands pretty much have free reign of the place with but a few ground rules:

1. No parties
2. No tacking pins into walls
3. No graffitti
4. No drugs
5. No loud music

I've got an economy room, too. It's 3ft X 6ft and it goes for $45 a mo.

Some of the bands currently using my rooms are:

Rib Dinner
The Chickens
Dale Rogers Quintet
Up 'n' Armz
The Ear Pleasers
Nicky Bladder and the Yellow Puddles
Jus' Jivin'
Trim
Open Sesame
The Deep Sliver Band
Lix
The Tom Johnson Blues Brigade
The Improv Gophers
Pauline's Window
Breakneck Holiday
Goofy Evans
The Peeers
Mind Bender
Boner Economics
Deep Exposure
The Big TVs
Wasted Rubber
Spirit of Grace

The list goes on and on.

Anyway. That's me. I gotta go.
-Steve

News: Key to City Finally Unloaded

2006-02-14T11:07:00.000-07:00

Hello,
It is with great pleasure that I announce the winner of the Key to the City Contest is 94th visitor, Trent Something-or-Other. Here is his winning email:

Dear Ms. (Mrs.?) Mayor,

I am visitor 94 and shall hereby be know as such. Can I qualify to win this prize, being affiliated loosely with you and your organization? I am Debbie’s half-brother. Debbie cleans your office when your regular lady (Debbie’s mom, my step-mom, Randi) is out sick.

- Trent (Debbie’s half-brother)

Here's my reply:

CONGRATULATIONS TRENT!
You've won! Actually, it's a good thing you are a friend of the organization because it will be easy to get you that damn key. I will be posting this email along with yours, so everybody knows we are done. Once again, Trent, congrats!
-Mayor Jackie Gustafson, Mayor

So, that's the end of that. I will post a photo of the Key-Giving-Away Ceremony very soon!
Oh, and, Trent? It's "Ms" if you catch my drift.
-JG, Mayor

News: A New Outlook

2006-02-13T15:45:00.000-07:00

Well, well, well,
Still no winner of our big contest. First person to email us wins.
Moving on.
Sunlit Falls is proud to announce its New Outlook. Check it out! NBA star Kenny Walker knows all about it. So should you!
-Me

Announcement: Okay, Enough Is Enough

2006-02-10T08:31:00.000-07:00

Hello Folks,
As you may have already guessed, nobody claimed the prize for 75. Here's the new deal:
The very next person to email us over here (by clickin' the Advertise here! button at the upper right of the screen) will recieve the key to the city. Read all about this crud in the last few posts. You will be enthralled. I know I was.
So, the next email we recieve with the word KEY in the subject line will get the prize and put an end to this foolishness once and for all. Thanks to all who visited and good luck to the lucky one, whomevers you is.
-JG the Mayor Lady

News: I'm Getting Sick and Tired

2006-02-09T07:46:00.000-07:00

...of all this crap.
While I love the fact that the visitor ticker is racking up the digits, I am getting annoyed by the fact that we still haven't given away the prize. Maybe it's the prize's fault, I thought to myself just now. After all, who wants a stupid cardboard key to some city they've never even been to or even heard of? I would, so I must be a nut. I thought of making the prize an iPod Nano or something like that, but it's just not in this year's budget (thanks, Governor Tight-Pockets!)
At any rate, the contest is still on, only now we're looking for visitor number 75. So, if you happen to find yourself as 75, just please email me by clicking the advertise here! button at the upper right of the screen. It will be worth it for me and you and everybody else in the world. Trust me.
-Jackie G

Nightmare: The Never-Ending Contest

2006-02-08T10:13:00.000-07:00

Greetings!
Well, it appears that another winner has decided not to claim their prize, so guess what? The 60th site visitor will be honored with the key to the beautiful city of Sunlit Falls. Please check out the last few posts for details. I really need to get this thing off the books, folks. I haven't been able to tend to my other mayoral duties like asking the state for money. Get it together! And good luck!
-J to the G

Contest: Shooting for 50

2006-02-06T08:01:00.000-07:00

Okay,
They say "third times'th charm." I don't really know what that means, but I like the use of the word "times'th" in there. We are determined to give away that stupid key to the stupid city, so it's going to the 50th site visitor. I'm sick of explaining the rules of the contest, so please just check out the last 2 posts for that info. And with a heavy sigh, I wish you all good luck.
-G-Girl

Contest: The 40th Site Visitor Wins!

2006-02-03T10:22:00.000-07:00

Yo,
Mayor G here. Well, our big 30th site visior contest was a total bust and a great humiliation to me personally. Here's what we'll do: the 40th site vistor will get the prize: the key to the m*th**-f***in' city! So, if you happen to be the 40th site visitor, just leave a comment to this post sayin' "I win!" and shoot an email to us by clicking the "advertise here" button in the upper right of the screen. Check the post below for other details, like what the key is made out of (hint: cardboard.)
-Out

News: 3oth Site Visitor to Be Honored

2006-02-02T13:33:00.000-07:00

Greetings!
It be the mayor! How's this for a contest:
The 3oth visitor to our lovely town's lovely website (blog) will be honored with the key to the city in the form of a giant ceremonial-sized key that doesn't actually open any of the towns many, many locks. Hear that, everyone? Excited yet? Here's how to claim your prize: If you visit this site and the counter reads 30, add a comment on this post with your email address and we'll figure out a way to get you that big, cardboard key. Let the race begin!
-Jackie F. Gustafson

Intro: The Sorting Machine

2006-01-30T10:23:00.000-07:00

The sorting machine is down. All hell has broken loose. Stay tuned.

News: The City Is Ablaze

2006-01-19T12:02:00.000-07:00

The entire city of Sunlit Falls is on fire. Residents are advised to do their part to put it out. Water is good for that. Do not blow on the flames. That's all I got.

Announcement: Karen Stevens Art Show

2006-01-04T15:02:00.000-07:00

Hello Art Lovers,
This is Karen Stevens with an exciting announcement! I am proud to announce the opening of my art opening at Chrissy's Coffeeshop and Hair Salon on Roger St at 20th! I will be showing new works on paper. Above you will see one of my works, entitled "Goodbye Angel of the People."
The opening is this Saturday at 6:30. There will be treats provided by Chrissy's.
Hope to see you all there!
-Karen

Feature: A Word from the Mayor

2006-01-03T10:48:00.000-07:00

Hello,
This is your Mayor, Jackie F. Gustafson. First off, Happy New Year! Secondively, there are lots of new governmental things going into affect as of now. Or is it "effect?" Help me out here. That's one of those things my spellcheck doesn't catch. Blah, blah, blah. Back to the newsletter. Oh, by the way, this is the first monthly newsletter! I'm trying to come up with a name for it. What do you think of The Sunlit Falls Splash Page? No? Yes? Well, I like it. That's what I'm gonna call it.
So, here are some changes to public policy that may or may not aeffect you:
1. Recycling day is now Tuesday. Also, we no longer recycle diapers. Apparently, it's just not worth it.
2. The speed limit is back up to 55 mph. Every street is 55. This is sort of an experiment.
3. Cigarette tax is doubled. No tripled!
4. From now on, call me J-to-the-G.
5. Christmas is doubled. We'll figure out what that means when the time comes.
6. Oh, there's lots more. I am just getting bored and I want to stop.

So, in closing, I'm your mayor! See you later.
J-to-the-G.

Intro: 2006

2006-01-03T09:49:00.000-07:00

Happy New Years Everyones!
Greetings! I am the Year of 2006! Let me tell you a little bit about myself.
I am 3 days old, but that's old in year years. That's even older than puppy years, but not quite as old as certain insects. Did you know the average life span of the average insect is less than 1 year? Check out this site and learn!
A Moment of Science
Anyway, I, myself, have a life expectancy of exactly 1 solid year. I take in that info as a blessing. I know that I will die at exactly the midnight that divides Dec 31, me, and Jan 1, 2007. Ryan Seacrest will be there to lower me into the ground. I will find him to be pleasant and only slightly off-putting.
What will I do with my life? Wouldn't you like to know? I can't tell you any specifics, but I can tell you this:
The Sun will spin around us, or vice-versa.
The oceans will swirl like crazy-time city.
Folks'll die. Famous folks, too!
More folks'll be born. Just like me!
Things will be invented that will make our lives way easier.
New versions of things will be unveiled that will make their older counterparts look clunky and lame-o-matic.
Dentist appointments will be spaced.
I will age rapidly. Don't make fun of me.
Lots of sex will be achieved.
Cars will be painted, some will explode.
TV will be better than ever. I will watch every single show.
Blogging will be on everybody's "hot" list.
Food, both hot and cold, will be eaten, served, and evacuated.

Are you getting pumped yet? Pumped for me? I is.
-2006

News: Last Chance (of 2005) to Eat Dumplings

2005-12-30T09:20:00.000-07:00

Happy Friday!
Barb Feiger here. As you know, the last Friday of the month is Dumpling Day here at Sunlit Falls Free Church. This particular last Friday is extra last because it's the last last Friday of the year! So, come on in and get some dumplings. They are frozen and ready to be heated up and eaten. They come in packs of 2, 4, 6, 8, 10, or a dozen. They are, respectively, $2, $3.50, $5, $6.75, $8.25, and $10 in price. They come with your choice of these fillings:
pork
chicken
vegetable
fish
fruit
mixed meat
mixed fruit
mixed vegetable
mixed fruit and meat
mixed vegetable and fruit
mixed fruit, meat, and vegetable
mixed fish and fruit
you get the picture

So, I guess I'll see you all here.
Happy New Years!

News: Who will wear the beard this year?

2005-12-22T09:42:00.000-07:00

Christmas Eve is but two shopping days away and still no overweight male has volunteered to wear the fake beard and red outerwear to become "Santa Claus" for the Sunlit Falls Holiday Bash-a-Roo (HBaR.) Event coordinator, Rolly Evans, says he's not worried.
"I can always play 'Santa' if no one else wants to," Evans claims.
"It's clean," Evans assures potential "Santa" candidates, "I Febreezed the hell out of it."
This year's HBaR will be held in the party room of Evans' loft complex.

Tons of $35 general admission tickets are still available. Admission is $34 if you bring a canned good.

Feature: Comedy-Bate!

2005-12-21T09:03:00.000-07:00

Today, for your entertainment, we present our first Comedy-Bate! Two of Sunlit Falls' biggest club comics go joke-to-joke in a battle of wits over today's top news stories. In the left corner, we have popular left-winger and self-proclaimed "bleeding heart hippie jokester" Kenny Thomas. In the right corner, we have hugely-admired and ultra-conservative funnyman, Ned Anderson. They will trade punch-lines and cut-ups using today's top three Yahoo.com headlines as fodder! Let's ring the comedy bell for some head-to-head headline humor! Ding!

1st Headline:
Saddam trial hears evidence of torture

Kenny Thomas quips:

"Saddam was ripping off people's skin after pouring molten plastic on it? Sounds like a evening at my house when the girlfriend wants to try something new in the bedroom!"

Ned Anderson jokes:

"You mean to tell me, America ain't allowed to so much as give this a-hole a spanking while he's been out there shockin' folks and what-not? Rediculous! You better pray, you sand-eating son-of-a-you-know-what! And it better not be to Jesus, 'cause if I see you in Heaven, I'll kick your a** myself!"

2nd Headline:
Cheney breaks tie to pass spending cuts

Kenny Thomas comes at you with a:

"Thanks, Dick! Now the US has more cash for fighting terror and looking for WMDs and tapping our phones without congressional approval! I always thought students got too much money for education. Looks like it's back to Community College for me!"

Ned Anderson zings:

"Now if we can cut funding for gay art and abortions, we've really got something!"

3rd Headline:
NYC transit strike slows city for second day

Kenny Thomas laughs:

"Wait a minute. There's a state law that bars public employees from striking? That's f***ed up! Why not have a state law that bars people from free speech? And big deal--people have to walk to work! At least they'll burn off that baker's dozen of Krispy Kreme's they scarf down in their cubicles!"

Ned Anderson put's this hilarious spin on it:

"Sick. Absolutely sick. Boo-hoo, transit workers! Quit your whinin' and get back to work! America is for workers, not jerkers!"

My-oh-my! Can we even declare a winner? All's I know is, my funny bone is still counting the votes! Who do you think is the champ in this joke-off? Let us know!

News: Subway Grand Opening

2005-12-20T15:47:00.000-07:00

A new Subway Sandwich Restaurant opened on the corner of Lakeland and 14th. It joins the Subway on Henderson Ave, the one in the Westtown Mall, the one on 5th St, and the one connected to the Sunlit Falls 16 Theater to become the fifth Subway in the area. Owner/manager Oren Thome believes this Subway to be the deliciousest one of all, as well as the most American.
"I put up as many USA flags as I could," Thome said proudly, "because America rules!"
Thome pointed out that his new location has more flags than all the other ones combined. More than all the other ones combined! The same great Subway taste is still available at the other four Subways in town, but Thome believes they taste just a little bit more un-American. I'd have to agree.
Thome also would like to point out that the full menu is not yet available, but he is working on it.
"I am still waiting for my Teriyaki sauce and my mayo, so..."
Thome also mentioned that he still hasn't been able to get the toasting machine up and running, but he's on it, so hold tight.

Intro: Ray Bold

2005-12-20T10:15:00.000-07:00

Greetings!
It's me! Ray Bold! What's that I'm showing off, you ask? That's a plate of food I prepared at my job as chef at the Vortex Lounge. I'm sure you know how swank it is, but did you also know: we are expanding! The good news of that is that I will be head chef at the new take-out counter location. That's right! Now--or soon--you will be able to get VL's famous sandwiches, soups, and desserts in a fast, easy, fun environment! People always tell me that really love the food, but they are also on a busy schedule. This will be the solution! Prepare yourselves! I, for one, am excited!
-Ray Bold!

Intro: Matt Monarch

2005-12-19T13:21:00.000-07:00

Hi,
I'm Matt Monarch, pro'lly Sunlit Falls' most famous son. I am a published author and raw food guru. Go 'head and click me above for a little intro about me, my book, and whatnot. Take note: I was a tad groggy when we shot the vid. I had a mild hangover. I am saying, "cellular level," not "sell or level."
Peace,
-Matt Monarch

Intro: Doug Iverson

2005-12-19T10:44:00.000-07:00

Hi!
My name's Doug Iverson. I'm 14 years old since last week. I got these skates for my birthday. I actually got this whole damn demin outfit. The hat I had already. It's my signature. I don't take it off for nuthin' so screw you for tryin'.
My main goal is to be a professional hockey player. I'd say my chances are okay.
I don't really have much to say, so 'bye.
-DI