Feature: Comedy-Bate!

Today, for your entertainment, we present our first Comedy-Bate! Two of Sunlit Falls' biggest club comics go joke-to-joke in a battle of wits over today's top news stories. In the left corner, we have popular left-winger and self-proclaimed "bleeding heart hippie jokester" Kenny Thomas. In the right corner, we have hugely-admired and ultra-conservative funnyman, Ned Anderson. They will trade punch-lines and cut-ups using today's top three Yahoo.com headlines as fodder! Let's ring the comedy bell for some head-to-head headline humor! Ding!

1st Headline:
Saddam trial hears evidence of torture

Kenny Thomas quips:

"Saddam was ripping off people's skin after pouring molten plastic on it? Sounds like a evening at my house when the girlfriend wants to try something new in the bedroom!"

Ned Anderson jokes:

"You mean to tell me, America ain't allowed to so much as give this a-hole a spanking while he's been out there shockin' folks and what-not? Rediculous! You better pray, you sand-eating son-of-a-you-know-what! And it better not be to Jesus, 'cause if I see you in Heaven, I'll kick your a** myself!"

2nd Headline:
Cheney breaks tie to pass spending cuts

Kenny Thomas comes at you with a:

"Thanks, Dick! Now the US has more cash for fighting terror and looking for WMDs and tapping our phones without congressional approval! I always thought students got too much money for education. Looks like it's back to Community College for me!"

Ned Anderson zings:

"Now if we can cut funding for gay art and abortions, we've really got something!"

3rd Headline:
NYC transit strike slows city for second day

Kenny Thomas laughs:

"Wait a minute. There's a state law that bars public employees from striking? That's f***ed up! Why not have a state law that bars people from free speech? And big deal--people have to walk to work! At least they'll burn off that baker's dozen of Krispy Kreme's they scarf down in their cubicles!"

Ned Anderson put's this hilarious spin on it:

"Sick. Absolutely sick. Boo-hoo, transit workers! Quit your whinin' and get back to work! America is for workers, not jerkers!"

My-oh-my! Can we even declare a winner? All's I know is, my funny bone is still counting the votes! Who do you think is the champ in this joke-off? Let us know!