Comment: Why Ain't I Got No Buds?

Yo,
My name is Greg Bayless. I think pretty highly of myself. I am a hell of a lot more cool than most jerks out there. One question haunts me, though. Why ain't I got no buds? Seems like just about everybody's got buds. Some have tons, some just one. Me? I gots none.

Do folks just not like me? Do they not get where I'm at? Screw 'em if they can't see me for me. Here's what they should see in me: a awesome dude. Here's what it seems like they all see: some creep who is better than them.

I get lonely. I get the urge, too. You know the urge. The urge that burns deep within your soul. I'm lousy with the urge.

All I need is just one bud and things will be just fine. Call me.

-Greg

News: Love Blossoms

Why hello there!
Jackie (your mayor) here with some rather cool news to report: I am in love! That's right, Trent and I are officially ga-ga goo-goo over one another and I couldn't be more pleased. "Could you be more pleased?" TV's Chandelier might ask. "No," I would respond.

Last night we went on the most loviest date a girl could ever imagine. He picked me up from my office in his work truck (see photo) at 6pm sharp. I love that about him. From there, we ate at Uncle Dave's BBQ Shack--stuffing ourselves with extremely saucey ribwiches and bone-dry root beers. He paid for the meal. I guess I felt like I owed him for it, because next thing you know I was performing deviant acts all over him in the back room of the concrete company where he works. I think he lives there, too, but that's none of my business. Yes, my loyal citizens, you got yourselves a love-tossed public official on your hands (especially your hands, Trent.)

I'm treating him to a DVD/ice cream night at my place tonight. I'll keep you posted.
-JFG

Announcement: I'm Feelin' Down

Hey,
How's it goin'? Me? I'm feelin' a little down. Who am I? Oh, nobody. Why should you care? You're never gonna meet me in real life anyways. All you need to know about me is that I'm down in the dumps these days. Don't know why. Have you ever felt this way? I bet you haven't. You look like you got it all put together. Lucky.

Well, I'm gonna go back to bed--unless you feel like hangin' out. We could watch a video. I could pop some microwave popcorn. What do you say?
-Mel

Review: Eating Vegan in Sunlit Falls

Hello!
I'm Tom Dayton and I love food. More specifically, vegan food. What the heck is that, you ask? Well, if you don't know, you probably don't want any. But let me tell you, it's tough to find good vegan food in this town. Here's a handy guide for those of you who are like "arhg! help me!"

RUSTY'S DELI
Rusty's is famous for their meatwiches and mustard bar, but did you know they also serve the best tofu salad known to man? It's not on the menu, but if you bring in your own thing of tofu, they will cube it, sprinkle it with fresh basil, and toss it into their garden salad at no extra charge. I'm the only one who has ever done it and I am not well liked.

THE OLD MULE FAMILY GRILL
I know what you're thinking. "This place is only for senior citizens and/or Christian Bible study groups!" You are right, but you are also wrong. If you just get over your fear of being called a queer and order the vegetable soup platter from the kid's menu, you will be treated to a pretty okay cruelty-free meal. And at $7.95, the price is cruelty-free on your pocket book!

CAP'N VEGGIE'S VEGAN'S PARADISE ALL-VEGAN CAFE AND HANG-OUT CLUBHOUSE
I don't care for this place. I find the staff to be a little hippy-dippy. Avoid.

SAUCE
Simply put, the best veggie burger in town. Just remember to order it sans patty and hold the cheese. Then, once you scrape of the dijionaisse, you got yourself a pretty good little sandwich. I'm not entirely convinced that the bread is vegan, but I've adopted a don't ask/don't tell policy on the matter.

So, there you go. With my helpful guide, there are no more excuses to eat well AND responsibly in good ol' S. Falls. Happy dining!
-Tom

Announcement: Little Billy's Homecoming Concert

Hey morons!
It is me, Little Billy! Yeah, that's right, jerks! I may have been off the scene for awhile, but I ain't dead yet, m*therf*ck*rs! For your information, I have been traveling the world playin' rock concerts and makin' a name for myself outside of this lame-*ss town! Huh? What? There's a whole 'nother world outside of Sunlit F*ck*n Falls? Yeah, it's called EARTH, get a map! And I have been taking it by storm. I bet you didn't know that I have appeared on the Croatian Jay Leno twice!

But, I am not here to brag. I think the Bangladesh version of In Touch Weekly has done enough of that for me. I am here to plug my gig at Sgt. Peppermint's on the 15th of the month! Me and my band, the Rolling Rock Trio, will be hittin' the stage around 11:30. Before that, warm-up band, Say Cheese, will play a short set. I like Say Cheese. They play what I like to call "popular music." It's gonna be a f*ck*in' good show, so don't miss it!

Why am I gracing this sh*t town with my glorious self now, after all these years? Take a guess. If you said, "the price was right," YOU were right! That's all I'm gonna say about that! Other than the money, I am NOT happy to be coming back to this p*ssy-*ss sh*t-h*l* of a town. You people treated my like sh*t when I was workin' the local club circuit and I haven't forgotten the nasty things written about me, my band, and my music in the Sunlit Pages several years back. I believe they called me a "watered-down Stevie Ray Vaughn" and said I sounded like "feeding time at a nerd farm." I still don't know what that's s'posed to mean.

But that's okay. They say plenty of good things about me in the Guatemalan version of Blender. And how many of YOU idiots have been interviewed by the Indonesian Larry King? What's that? None of you? That's what I thought!

But, anyway. I'm sick of looking at you folks, so I will just go. But not before telling you that you better buy tickets for that show, or you will be even dumber than you already are.

-Little Billy