News: Last Chance (of 2005) to Eat Dumplings

Happy Friday!
Barb Feiger here. As you know, the last Friday of the month is Dumpling Day here at Sunlit Falls Free Church. This particular last Friday is extra last because it's the last last Friday of the year! So, come on in and get some dumplings. They are frozen and ready to be heated up and eaten. They come in packs of 2, 4, 6, 8, 10, or a dozen. They are, respectively, $2, $3.50, $5, $6.75, $8.25, and $10 in price. They come with your choice of these fillings:
pork
chicken
vegetable
fish
fruit
mixed meat
mixed fruit
mixed vegetable
mixed fruit and meat
mixed vegetable and fruit
mixed fruit, meat, and vegetable
mixed fish and fruit
you get the picture

So, I guess I'll see you all here.
Happy New Years!

News: Who will wear the beard this year?

Christmas Eve is but two shopping days away and still no overweight male has volunteered to wear the fake beard and red outerwear to become "Santa Claus" for the Sunlit Falls Holiday Bash-a-Roo (HBaR.) Event coordinator, Rolly Evans, says he's not worried.
"I can always play 'Santa' if no one else wants to," Evans claims.
"It's clean," Evans assures potential "Santa" candidates, "I Febreezed the hell out of it."
This year's HBaR will be held in the party room of Evans' loft complex.

Tons of $35 general admission tickets are still available. Admission is $34 if you bring a canned good.

Feature: Comedy-Bate!

Today, for your entertainment, we present our first Comedy-Bate! Two of Sunlit Falls' biggest club comics go joke-to-joke in a battle of wits over today's top news stories. In the left corner, we have popular left-winger and self-proclaimed "bleeding heart hippie jokester" Kenny Thomas. In the right corner, we have hugely-admired and ultra-conservative funnyman, Ned Anderson. They will trade punch-lines and cut-ups using today's top three Yahoo.com headlines as fodder! Let's ring the comedy bell for some head-to-head headline humor! Ding!

1st Headline:
Saddam trial hears evidence of torture

Kenny Thomas quips:

"Saddam was ripping off people's skin after pouring molten plastic on it? Sounds like a evening at my house when the girlfriend wants to try something new in the bedroom!"

Ned Anderson jokes:

"You mean to tell me, America ain't allowed to so much as give this a-hole a spanking while he's been out there shockin' folks and what-not? Rediculous! You better pray, you sand-eating son-of-a-you-know-what! And it better not be to Jesus, 'cause if I see you in Heaven, I'll kick your a** myself!"

2nd Headline:
Cheney breaks tie to pass spending cuts

Kenny Thomas comes at you with a:

"Thanks, Dick! Now the US has more cash for fighting terror and looking for WMDs and tapping our phones without congressional approval! I always thought students got too much money for education. Looks like it's back to Community College for me!"

Ned Anderson zings:

"Now if we can cut funding for gay art and abortions, we've really got something!"

3rd Headline:
NYC transit strike slows city for second day

Kenny Thomas laughs:

"Wait a minute. There's a state law that bars public employees from striking? That's f***ed up! Why not have a state law that bars people from free speech? And big deal--people have to walk to work! At least they'll burn off that baker's dozen of Krispy Kreme's they scarf down in their cubicles!"

Ned Anderson put's this hilarious spin on it:

"Sick. Absolutely sick. Boo-hoo, transit workers! Quit your whinin' and get back to work! America is for workers, not jerkers!"

My-oh-my! Can we even declare a winner? All's I know is, my funny bone is still counting the votes! Who do you think is the champ in this joke-off? Let us know!

News: Subway Grand Opening

A new Subway Sandwich Restaurant opened on the corner of Lakeland and 14th. It joins the Subway on Henderson Ave, the one in the Westtown Mall, the one on 5th St, and the one connected to the Sunlit Falls 16 Theater to become the fifth Subway in the area. Owner/manager Oren Thome believes this Subway to be the deliciousest one of all, as well as the most American.
"I put up as many USA flags as I could," Thome said proudly, "because America rules!"
Thome pointed out that his new location has more flags than all the other ones combined. More than all the other ones combined! The same great Subway taste is still available at the other four Subways in town, but Thome believes they taste just a little bit more un-American. I'd have to agree.
Thome also would like to point out that the full menu is not yet available, but he is working on it.
"I am still waiting for my Teriyaki sauce and my mayo, so..."
Thome also mentioned that he still hasn't been able to get the toasting machine up and running, but he's on it, so hold tight.

Intro: Ray Bold

Greetings!
It's me! Ray Bold! What's that I'm showing off, you ask? That's a plate of food I prepared at my job as chef at the Vortex Lounge. I'm sure you know how swank it is, but did you also know: we are expanding! The good news of that is that I will be head chef at the new take-out counter location. That's right! Now--or soon--you will be able to get VL's famous sandwiches, soups, and desserts in a fast, easy, fun environment! People always tell me that really love the food, but they are also on a busy schedule. This will be the solution! Prepare yourselves! I, for one, am excited!
-Ray Bold!

Intro: Matt Monarch

Hi,
I'm Matt Monarch, pro'lly Sunlit Falls' most famous son. I am a published author and raw food guru. Go 'head and click me above for a little intro about me, my book, and whatnot. Take note: I was a tad groggy when we shot the vid. I had a mild hangover. I am saying, "cellular level," not "sell or level."
Peace,
-Matt Monarch

Intro: Doug Iverson

Hi!
My name's Doug Iverson. I'm 14 years old since last week. I got these skates for my birthday. I actually got this whole damn demin outfit. The hat I had already. It's my signature. I don't take it off for nuthin' so screw you for tryin'.
My main goal is to be a professional hockey player. I'd say my chances are okay.
I don't really have much to say, so 'bye.
-DI