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2.28.2006

News: Key to City Award Ceremony


Hey everybody!
Here's a picture from the ceremony.
(reminder)
What a crazy time we had! The honored one, Trent, turned out to be a real perv. He told me I had "nice ones" and then licked his lips! Yuck! It was all I could do to not knee him in the you-know-whats.

Later, at the gala reception, I saw a different side of Trent--a softer, fleshier side. Long story short, we are now officially an item. I don't want to get too graphic with the details, but my Trent is one hot potato. He reminds me that I am not just a powerful, lower-middle-aged woman, but simply a woman. He is all man and all mine.

Oh, I could go on all night. In fact, I have. Anyways, that was the key deal. I think I can safely speak for all of us here in Sunlit Falls when I say that we're all winners in this one. Especially me.

Ta ta for now!
-Jackie F. Gustafson, Mayor

2.27.2006

Review: Puppet Show Enjoyable


Hey hey!
By way of introduction, I am Yule Samson, Sunlit Falls' newest entertainment reporter! I only just got the job not but 1 week ago last Monday and they's already got me covering the big stuff! My first assignment? The Sunlit Falls Elementary production of The Apple Worms Have a Picnic. I love this job!

The play was performed in room 126 (Mrs. Neeling's 2nd grade) behind a fold-out table complete with adjustable office chairs as back drop. Minimalism! Let me just say, even before the 3:45 curtain time (although there was no actual curtain) my heart was pounding not only because of my desire not to blow it right out of the gate, but the palpable thrill of theatre wafting through the air--along with the smells of M&M cookies and warm apple cider juice. This was to be a magical afternoon of which I was not soon to forget!

Finally, after what seemed like forever, the show began. After a herald of preliminary tape hiss from the boombox and the opening bars of the overture ("Can't Fight The Moonlight" by LeAnn Rimes) the puppets playfully popped out from under the table.

"Hey, Mr. Wiggles," said one of the puppets, "You look sad."
"I am sad," replied Wiggles.
"Really?" queried the puppet, "What's eating you?"

It was at this point I was absolutely captivated by these longish little creatures--comprised of merely a brightly-colored common foot sock adorned with felt and googled eye--and was rewarded with this clever twist of phrase:

"It's not what's eating me ," announced Wiggles, "It's what I am eating: a rotten apple!"

Needless to say, the rest of the production was an utter joy. Equal parts comedy and drama, I found myself reaching for the rough, brown napkin on my lap--still a bed of cookie crumbs--to tend to my emotional facial secretions one minute, while carelessly eschewing self-composure in favor of uproarious laughter the next. A delight from start to finish.

That said, I must knock a few marks off of my score for a few technical and stylistic shortcomings. The puppets were only in view when that particular character had a line of dialogue to spout, retracting back under the table upon completion of said line (or very near completion, in some cases.) While at first accepting this up-and-down behavior as an artistic choice, it soon became clear that it was merely immature thespiodic form combined with chidhood nervousness. For that, I place fault on Mrs. Neeling, who failed to catch and correct the bad habit beforehand.

One last complaint I have about this otherwise thoroughly wonderous play was the poor audio quality. Maybe it was the acoustics of the room, or--again--jouvenile insecurity, but, in any case, the sound was difficult to negotiate, auditorially. The pre-recorded elements, such as music and sound effects, were mucho too loud and distorted, with the dialogue prooving itself nearly inaudible at times.

All-in-all, however, The Apple Worms Have a Picnic was an enjoyable experience not to have been missed. It's a shame that its one-and-only performance has come-and-gone. I am grateful to have the claim of saying, "I was there."

So, until next time, I'm Yule Samson saying, "Follow your heart and fuel your soul!"

2.24.2006

Intro: Al Carlson


Hello there,
My name is Al Carlson. I'm here on this internet station for one reason and one reason only: to find love. I've heard that people find happiness and "soul mates" up here all the time. It's my turn to give 'er a shot.

Here's my profile:
Name: Al Carlson
Age: 67
Occupation: retired plumber
Hobbies: going to church
Favorite movies: I liked that show about the guy who drinks himself to death.
Favorite music: Anything with a melody and tasteful use of chimes
Favorite TV shows: the news, 60 Minutes, Archie Bunker, Jay Leno
Last book read: Working with Concrete has been on my nightstand for months.

I'm interested in meeting a good woman who's into cooking in the kitchen, lounging in the livingroom, and getting down and dirty in the bedroom.

Keep in mind, I am on a fixed income, so I am unable to become anyone's "sugar daddy."

If you like what you see, just post a comment and we'll see if we can't get together.

Yours in Christ,
-Al Carlson

2.23.2006

Opinion: What's Up with All These Websites?


Hiya,
I'm Ken Jensen, and I got a question.
What's the deal with all these websites? I mean, there everywhere! It seems a guy can't spit out his chaw and not glob all over some website or another. Frankly, I am sick of it!
I am also a little curious.

I'm gonna do an experiment.
I am going to "google" the name of my dogs and see what happens.
First dog, "Barry"
Holy crap! 156,000,000 results!
Here's one: some singer
Here's an image search result: some guy that actually kinda looks a little like my dog.
Second dog, "Lollipop" (the wife named him)
Not bad. 4,630,000 results.
Here's a good one: hubba hubba
Here's an image search result: hubba hubba again

My, that was fun. So, anyway, these websites. I guess we're all stuck with 'em!

Later,
-Ken

2.22.2006

News: Music Teacher Warns "No Automatic A's"


Good Day,
My name is Millie Rolfgren. I am head of the Music Dept. at Sunlit Falls Middle School. What I (over)hear time and time again from my students is that my classes are "an automatic A" or "an easy A." I am here to tell you that that is simply not the case. Just as Physical Education and English are seemingly "no-brainer" studies that proove to be "a royal pain-in-the-brain" for most students, my Music Education classes are similarly misleading. Listen to me: I work my butt off to challenge, delight, and oft-times inspire my kids through music. I work hard, as you must work hard. There are no "freebies" here, folks.

So, you might wonder, how do I grade my students? Well, it's fairly simple: make the effort and ye shall be rewarded in kind. For instance, I had a student several years back who refused to participate in sing-alongs. Do you know what I refused to give him? That's right, an A. He recieved a rather half-hearted C+. On the opposite end of the spectrum, an eager student once volunteered for every single activity offered to her. She was not gifted musically, however, but she tried like the dickens to overcome her God-withheld talent. That student's grade? A somewhat generous B-. She just didn't have "it."

In closing, I would like to remind all of you that Music is required for 6th and 7th graders, but becomes an elective for 8th and 9th graders. I encourage all you upper classmen to not choose Music out of the desire for good grades without the sweat, but choose Music because you either A) love Music; B) have talent; or C) need the credit.

Till we meet again, keep a melody in your heart!
-Mrs. Rolfgren

2.15.2006

Intro: Steve


Hello,
I'm Steve. Pleased to meet you. I guess I should tell you a bit about myself.
I own and operate Noise Box Rehearsal Studios. I got 46 rooms of various square footage . My biggest room is 800 sq ft. That goes for a monthly rate of $2000. Right now, it's occupied by that group the Sweat Focks. That's a big room befitting the SFs, who are a big group. I'm sure you've heard of them.

The average room is 100 sq ft, which you can rent for $250 a month. It's a standard room. It's really only as good as you make it. I let the bands pretty much have free reign of the place with but a few ground rules:

1. No parties
2. No tacking pins into walls
3. No graffitti
4. No drugs
5. No loud music

I've got an economy room, too. It's 3ft X 6ft and it goes for $45 a mo.

Some of the bands currently using my rooms are:

Rib Dinner
The Chickens
Dale Rogers Quintet
Up 'n' Armz
The Ear Pleasers
Nicky Bladder and the Yellow Puddles
Jus' Jivin'
Trim
Open Sesame
The Deep Sliver Band
Lix
The Tom Johnson Blues Brigade
The Improv Gophers
Pauline's Window
Breakneck Holiday
Goofy Evans
The Peeers
Mind Bender
Boner Economics
Deep Exposure
The Big TVs
Wasted Rubber
Spirit of Grace

The list goes on and on.

Anyway. That's me. I gotta go.
-Steve

2.14.2006

News: Key to City Finally Unloaded


Hello,
It is with great pleasure that I announce the winner of the Key to the City Contest is 94th visitor, Trent Something-or-Other. Here is his winning email:

Dear Ms. (Mrs.?) Mayor,

I am visitor 94 and shall hereby be know as such. Can I qualify to win this prize, being affiliated loosely with you and your organization? I am Debbie’s half-brother. Debbie cleans your office when your regular lady (Debbie’s mom, my step-mom, Randi) is out sick.

- Trent (Debbie’s half-brother)


Here's my reply:

CONGRATULATIONS TRENT!
You've won! Actually, it's a good thing you are a friend of the organization because it will be easy to get you that damn key. I will be posting this email along with yours, so everybody knows we are done. Once again, Trent, congrats!
-Mayor Jackie Gustafson, Mayor


So, that's the end of that. I will post a photo of the Key-Giving-Away Ceremony very soon!
Oh, and, Trent? It's "Ms" if you catch my drift.
-JG, Mayor

2.13.2006

News: A New Outlook


Well, well, well,
Still no winner of our big contest. First person to email us wins.
Moving on.
Sunlit Falls is proud to announce its New Outlook. Check it out! NBA star Kenny Walker knows all about it. So should you!
-Me

2.10.2006

Announcement: Okay, Enough Is Enough


Hello Folks,
As you may have already guessed, nobody claimed the prize for 75. Here's the new deal:
The very next person to email us over here (by clickin' the Advertise here! button at the upper right of the screen) will recieve the key to the city. Read all about this crud in the last few posts. You will be enthralled. I know I was.
So, the next email we recieve with the word KEY in the subject line will get the prize and put an end to this foolishness once and for all. Thanks to all who visited and good luck to the lucky one, whomevers you is.
-JG the Mayor Lady

2.09.2006

News: I'm Getting Sick and Tired


...of all this crap.
While I love the fact that the visitor ticker is racking up the digits, I am getting annoyed by the fact that we still haven't given away the prize. Maybe it's the prize's fault, I thought to myself just now. After all, who wants a stupid cardboard key to some city they've never even been to or even heard of? I would, so I must be a nut. I thought of making the prize an iPod Nano or something like that, but it's just not in this year's budget (thanks, Governor Tight-Pockets!)
At any rate, the contest is still on, only now we're looking for visitor number 75. So, if you happen to find yourself as 75, just please email me by clicking the advertise here! button at the upper right of the screen. It will be worth it for me and you and everybody else in the world. Trust me.
-Jackie G

2.08.2006

Nightmare: The Never-Ending Contest


Greetings!
Well, it appears that another winner has decided not to claim their prize, so guess what? The 60th site visitor will be honored with the key to the beautiful city of Sunlit Falls. Please check out the last few posts for details. I really need to get this thing off the books, folks. I haven't been able to tend to my other mayoral duties like asking the state for money. Get it together! And good luck!
-J to the G

2.06.2006

Contest: Shooting for 50


Okay,
They say "third times'th charm." I don't really know what that means, but I like the use of the word "times'th" in there. We are determined to give away that stupid key to the stupid city, so it's going to the 50th site visitor. I'm sick of explaining the rules of the contest, so please just check out the last 2 posts for that info. And with a heavy sigh, I wish you all good luck.
-G-Girl

2.03.2006

Contest: The 40th Site Visitor Wins!


Yo,
Mayor G here. Well, our big 30th site visior contest was a total bust and a great humiliation to me personally. Here's what we'll do: the 40th site vistor will get the prize: the key to the m*th**-f***in' city! So, if you happen to be the 40th site visitor, just leave a comment to this post sayin' "I win!" and shoot an email to us by clicking the "advertise here" button in the upper right of the screen. Check the post below for other details, like what the key is made out of (hint: cardboard.)
-Out

2.02.2006

News: 3oth Site Visitor to Be Honored


Greetings!
It be the mayor! How's this for a contest:
The 3oth visitor to our lovely town's lovely website (blog) will be honored with the key to the city in the form of a giant ceremonial-sized key that doesn't actually open any of the towns many, many locks. Hear that, everyone? Excited yet? Here's how to claim your prize: If you visit this site and the counter reads 30, add a comment on this post with your email address and we'll figure out a way to get you that big, cardboard key. Let the race begin!
-Jackie F. Gustafson