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4.13.2006

Feature: The Reverend Uncle Alan Show


Good day to you!
It's me! Reverend Uncle Alan of the Reverend Uncle Alan Show! If you've never heard of me, it may be because my show hasn't aired just yet. Will it air in the future? Let's hope--I mean pray.

I suppose I should tell you about myself, my church, and my show before we get too deep into this thing. I am a ordained Reverend--have been for years now. Then, one day, I said to hell with it. I started my own church. It's called The Jesus Church of Miraculous Discovery. It's based on Christianity, but it's way more extreme to the max! It is all about the idea that Jesus did so many miracles, that we are still finding out about--or discovering them even today.

For example, it's a prooven fact that Jesus walked on water, but did you further know that He also swam in solid ice? I discovered that one while doing some backyard Winter clean-up. I noticed the once fluid-filled kiddie pool was now a frozen chunk of ice and it struck me that Jesus must've been better than all that, so I jotted 'er down in the ol' notebook. There's tons more of 'em, too!

On to my show. It's called The Reverend Uncle Alan Show. It's like your average religious show, only way better. It is scheduled to be on "sometime soon" they tell me. I wish I had more info, but I don't. Please just keep checking your TV.

Amen, be good, and see you soon!
-RUA

4.07.2006

News: Another World Record Attempt


Hello,
It's me, the Mayor. Show your love. I'm thrillder than a peacock on Christmas this morning. Why? Because we did it! Did what? We got in the record books--hopefully.

My boyfriend, Trent (pictured, on right) and his bro, Donald, made a play for the Guiness Book last night for making the World's Largest Silly Putty Transfer. Using a couple hundred eggs of Silly Putty and a huge blown-up Glamour Shot of your's truly, these guys put our quiet little town on the map once and for all!

As you can see, a pretty good crowd was on hand to witness history for themselves. The transer was a glorious sight to behold, if I do say so myself. Now it's just up to the Guiness folks to give us the high sign and Sunlit Falls' acheivement will be in black and white right up there next to the weirdo who spins all the basketballs and those fat twins on motorcycles.

Keep your fingers crossed.

-Jackie

3.31.2006

Comment: Why Ain't I Got No Buds?


Yo,
My name is Greg Bayless. I think pretty highly of myself. I am a hell of a lot more cool than most jerks out there. One question haunts me, though. Why ain't I got no buds? Seems like just about everybody's got buds. Some have tons, some just one. Me? I gots none.

Do folks just not like me? Do they not get where I'm at? Screw 'em if they can't see me for me. Here's what they should see in me: a awesome dude. Here's what it seems like they all see: some creep who is better than them.

I get lonely. I get the urge, too. You know the urge. The urge that burns deep within your soul. I'm lousy with the urge.

All I need is just one bud and things will be just fine. Call me.

-Greg

3.16.2006

News: Love Blossoms


Why hello there!
Jackie (your mayor) here with some rather cool news to report: I am in love! That's right, Trent and I are officially ga-ga goo-goo over one another and I couldn't be more pleased. "Could you be more pleased?" TV's Chandelier might ask. "No," I would respond.

Last night we went on the most loviest date a girl could ever imagine. He picked me up from my office in his work truck (see photo) at 6pm sharp. I love that about him. From there, we ate at Uncle Dave's BBQ Shack--stuffing ourselves with extremely saucey ribwiches and bone-dry root beers. He paid for the meal. I guess I felt like I owed him for it, because next thing you know I was performing deviant acts all over him in the back room of the concrete company where he works. I think he lives there, too, but that's none of my business. Yes, my loyal citizens, you got yourselves a love-tossed public official on your hands (especially your hands, Trent.)

I'm treating him to a DVD/ice cream night at my place tonight. I'll keep you posted.
-JFG

3.13.2006

Announcement: I'm Feelin' Down


Hey,
How's it goin'? Me? I'm feelin' a little down. Who am I? Oh, nobody. Why should you care? You're never gonna meet me in real life anyways. All you need to know about me is that I'm down in the dumps these days. Don't know why. Have you ever felt this way? I bet you haven't. You look like you got it all put together. Lucky.

Well, I'm gonna go back to bed--unless you feel like hangin' out. We could watch a video. I could pop some microwave popcorn. What do you say?
-Mel

3.07.2006

Review: Eating Vegan in Sunlit Falls


Hello!
I'm Tom Dayton and I love food. More specifically, vegan food. What the heck is that, you ask? Well, if you don't know, you probably don't want any. But let me tell you, it's tough to find good vegan food in this town. Here's a handy guide for those of you who are like "arhg! help me!"

RUSTY'S DELI
Rusty's is famous for their meatwiches and mustard bar, but did you know they also serve the best tofu salad known to man? It's not on the menu, but if you bring in your own thing of tofu, they will cube it, sprinkle it with fresh basil, and toss it into their garden salad at no extra charge. I'm the only one who has ever done it and I am not well liked.

THE OLD MULE FAMILY GRILL
I know what you're thinking. "This place is only for senior citizens and/or Christian Bible study groups!" You are right, but you are also wrong. If you just get over your fear of being called a queer and order the vegetable soup platter from the kid's menu, you will be treated to a pretty okay cruelty-free meal. And at $7.95, the price is cruelty-free on your pocket book!

CAP'N VEGGIE'S VEGAN'S PARADISE ALL-VEGAN CAFE AND HANG-OUT CLUBHOUSE
I don't care for this place. I find the staff to be a little hippy-dippy. Avoid.

SAUCE
Simply put, the best veggie burger in town. Just remember to order it sans patty and hold the cheese. Then, once you scrape of the dijionaisse, you got yourself a pretty good little sandwich. I'm not entirely convinced that the bread is vegan, but I've adopted a don't ask/don't tell policy on the matter.

So, there you go. With my helpful guide, there are no more excuses to eat well AND responsibly in good ol' S. Falls. Happy dining!
-Tom

3.03.2006

Announcement: Little Billy's Homecoming Concert


Hey morons!
It is me, Little Billy! Yeah, that's right, jerks! I may have been off the scene for awhile, but I ain't dead yet, m*therf*ck*rs! For your information, I have been traveling the world playin' rock concerts and makin' a name for myself outside of this lame-*ss town! Huh? What? There's a whole 'nother world outside of Sunlit F*ck*n Falls? Yeah, it's called EARTH, get a map! And I have been taking it by storm. I bet you didn't know that I have appeared on the Croatian Jay Leno twice!

But, I am not here to brag. I think the Bangladesh version of In Touch Weekly has done enough of that for me. I am here to plug my gig at Sgt. Peppermint's on the 15th of the month! Me and my band, the Rolling Rock Trio, will be hittin' the stage around 11:30. Before that, warm-up band, Say Cheese, will play a short set. I like Say Cheese. They play what I like to call "popular music." It's gonna be a f*ck*in' good show, so don't miss it!

Why am I gracing this sh*t town with my glorious self now, after all these years? Take a guess. If you said, "the price was right," YOU were right! That's all I'm gonna say about that! Other than the money, I am NOT happy to be coming back to this p*ssy-*ss sh*t-h*l* of a town. You people treated my like sh*t when I was workin' the local club circuit and I haven't forgotten the nasty things written about me, my band, and my music in the Sunlit Pages several years back. I believe they called me a "watered-down Stevie Ray Vaughn" and said I sounded like "feeding time at a nerd farm." I still don't know what that's s'posed to mean.

But that's okay. They say plenty of good things about me in the Guatemalan version of Blender. And how many of YOU idiots have been interviewed by the Indonesian Larry King? What's that? None of you? That's what I thought!

But, anyway. I'm sick of looking at you folks, so I will just go. But not before telling you that you better buy tickets for that show, or you will be even dumber than you already are.

-Little Billy

2.28.2006

News: Key to City Award Ceremony


Hey everybody!
Here's a picture from the ceremony.
(reminder)
What a crazy time we had! The honored one, Trent, turned out to be a real perv. He told me I had "nice ones" and then licked his lips! Yuck! It was all I could do to not knee him in the you-know-whats.

Later, at the gala reception, I saw a different side of Trent--a softer, fleshier side. Long story short, we are now officially an item. I don't want to get too graphic with the details, but my Trent is one hot potato. He reminds me that I am not just a powerful, lower-middle-aged woman, but simply a woman. He is all man and all mine.

Oh, I could go on all night. In fact, I have. Anyways, that was the key deal. I think I can safely speak for all of us here in Sunlit Falls when I say that we're all winners in this one. Especially me.

Ta ta for now!
-Jackie F. Gustafson, Mayor

2.27.2006

Review: Puppet Show Enjoyable


Hey hey!
By way of introduction, I am Yule Samson, Sunlit Falls' newest entertainment reporter! I only just got the job not but 1 week ago last Monday and they's already got me covering the big stuff! My first assignment? The Sunlit Falls Elementary production of The Apple Worms Have a Picnic. I love this job!

The play was performed in room 126 (Mrs. Neeling's 2nd grade) behind a fold-out table complete with adjustable office chairs as back drop. Minimalism! Let me just say, even before the 3:45 curtain time (although there was no actual curtain) my heart was pounding not only because of my desire not to blow it right out of the gate, but the palpable thrill of theatre wafting through the air--along with the smells of M&M cookies and warm apple cider juice. This was to be a magical afternoon of which I was not soon to forget!

Finally, after what seemed like forever, the show began. After a herald of preliminary tape hiss from the boombox and the opening bars of the overture ("Can't Fight The Moonlight" by LeAnn Rimes) the puppets playfully popped out from under the table.

"Hey, Mr. Wiggles," said one of the puppets, "You look sad."
"I am sad," replied Wiggles.
"Really?" queried the puppet, "What's eating you?"

It was at this point I was absolutely captivated by these longish little creatures--comprised of merely a brightly-colored common foot sock adorned with felt and googled eye--and was rewarded with this clever twist of phrase:

"It's not what's eating me ," announced Wiggles, "It's what I am eating: a rotten apple!"

Needless to say, the rest of the production was an utter joy. Equal parts comedy and drama, I found myself reaching for the rough, brown napkin on my lap--still a bed of cookie crumbs--to tend to my emotional facial secretions one minute, while carelessly eschewing self-composure in favor of uproarious laughter the next. A delight from start to finish.

That said, I must knock a few marks off of my score for a few technical and stylistic shortcomings. The puppets were only in view when that particular character had a line of dialogue to spout, retracting back under the table upon completion of said line (or very near completion, in some cases.) While at first accepting this up-and-down behavior as an artistic choice, it soon became clear that it was merely immature thespiodic form combined with chidhood nervousness. For that, I place fault on Mrs. Neeling, who failed to catch and correct the bad habit beforehand.

One last complaint I have about this otherwise thoroughly wonderous play was the poor audio quality. Maybe it was the acoustics of the room, or--again--jouvenile insecurity, but, in any case, the sound was difficult to negotiate, auditorially. The pre-recorded elements, such as music and sound effects, were mucho too loud and distorted, with the dialogue prooving itself nearly inaudible at times.

All-in-all, however, The Apple Worms Have a Picnic was an enjoyable experience not to have been missed. It's a shame that its one-and-only performance has come-and-gone. I am grateful to have the claim of saying, "I was there."

So, until next time, I'm Yule Samson saying, "Follow your heart and fuel your soul!"